I have never met a guy more citified than Tito. Cows for him were the black and brown menace that obstructs the traffic.
He has a factory in a remote area which sounded like the outer regions of Heaven if one believed Tito. The only thing missing was a cup of tea because of the non-availability of milk. You and I would buy a carton of milk on our way to work. Tito is not you or I. He bought a cow.
“Tito, be reasonable, you are a Bombay boy. You weren’t even aware that cows had anything to do with that liquid you poured over your cornflakes. And then you finally did, you freaked out for a week. I admit that you can drive around a cow with great skill, but Keeping one? Be real.”
Tito considers my overall dumbness a nice foil for his razor sharp mind.
“ Arre baba, there will be a groom to do all the work. Think of it as milk for free! There is lush grass on our acres all year long, so the fodder won’t be any problem. Just open the gate and let the cow out. She grazes around for a while and comes home happy. Anyway, Narpat is taking care of everything.”
“ Who is Narpat?”
“ My right hand guy. He is a local, and very competent. He has helped me a great deal setting up this plant. I always leave him in charge when I am not there. It was His idea that we keep a cow. In fact, it’s HIS cow that I am buying. Mind you, he didn’t want to sell. These farmers get very attached to their cattle, treat them almost like their children. Very senti I find them. But I made him an offer he couldn’t resist. Now he takes care of her along with the factory.”
Narpat sounded like a smart man.
I didn’t meet Tito for a few weeks. One evening I got a call from him
“Hey! Whatcha doing tomorrow? Want to introduce you to Bipasha.”
“ Bipasha?? Don’t tell me you are getting married!”
Bipasha turned out to be Tito’s brand new cow.
We were at the factory next day. Bipasha greeted Tito with a delicate moo and flirty flutter of her lashes. He grinned like an idiot as he stroked her head. Bipasha very obligingly mooed some more and nudged him playfully. I could see that Tito had named her aptly.
Bipasha was a sexy cow if you like cows. Big soulful eyes, delicate pink nostrils, a cocoa brown coat. I was amused to see a tikka on her forehead, and a red bow on her tail.
I asked trying to pet her from a safe distance“ Have you ever tried milking her yourself ?”
Tito shook like jelly.
“ Milk Bipasha ! Of course NOT!”
Words seem to fail him at the enormity of my suggestion.
“Bipasha is very sensitive. Narpat’s wife is the only one who can touch her and She has known her since a baby”.
Ah! Narpat again, that meek man who had been following Tito around.
“And you pay her a salary for milking her own cow no doubt”. Tito looked uncomfortable at my sarcastic tone.
“err… yes, but she is My cow now. So I am paying her for milking MY cow. After all, the milk is the reason why Bipasha is here. ” He tried to sound reasonable.
Later, from where I sat in his cabin, I could hear him crooning “groovy kind of love” as he went around the factory.
I idly opened a muster in from of me. The words- ‘Bipasha Accounts’ caught my attention. The various items listed there proved interesting.
Red ribbon- Rs 10,
Cow bell Rs 50.
Rs.101 for the Pandit?
“We did Bipasha’s pooja..” spoke the former atheist.
Shaking my head in disbelief I read on - Vitamins, a new blanket, fresh fodder ???
“Wasn’t she supposed to just walk out and graze on your vast acres?”
“That grass may be good enough for other cows, but Bipasha needs a special diet. She gives 15 Liters of milk every day!” By now Tito had started to sound like the proud owner of the Empress of Blandings.
“ 15 Liters !! So what happens to all that milk?”
Tito looked puzzled.
“ What happens? Nothing! I give it to Narpat’s wife! Poor thing has three little ones at home! ”
“ And what is this ? 1000 for Entertainment ?? Don’t tell me you take her to the local disco! This is getting crazier and crazier!” I exploded.
“ Of course not! What do you take me for!” Tito said somewhat huffily.
“You see.. . Bipasha has …ummm.. needs”. He had turned an interesting shade of pink.
“ we.. ummm.. INVITE our neighbor’s bull for.... errr…”
“To boink her you mean !” I added trying to help.
He looked pained. “Don’t be vulgar. Besides, I didn’t know what else to write in the accounts!”
“ I hope she found him entertaining enough. Did you play the violin outside her shed while they were ...ummm…entertaining?” I quipped as I laughed my ass off!!
Tito maintained a dignified silence.
It was time for some straight talk now. Making my voice as gentle as I could I said-
“ Look dear, don’t you see what’s happening here ? You are being taken for a royal ride! That guy Narpat sells you his cow for a fat profit! Then his wife comes to milk it twice a day for a fat salary, and takes home all the milk for her fat children! What do YOU get out of it?!”
Tito looked pityingly at me and said slowly- as if talking to a retard-
“I get a perfect cup of tea.”
Photo Curtsy- www.wizardforyou.com.
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An earlier Tito adventure can be found here-
'Tito and the call girls.'
http://soney-2.blogspot.com/2005/07/tito-and-call-girls.html
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