The science of the ancients.

A new project was about to begin, the design had been finalized, we had knocked down the walls and dug up the tiles, and the client, a rational man till now, dropped a stinker.

“ I have invited a Vaastu Pandit ( who also doubled as a pyramidologist). Hope you guys work under his advise.”

This was how it began. The man came with a pendulum, a divining rod, and changed our entire design. Put toilets where people were supposed to be, and back door where front door was supposed to be. The colours of walls, the paintings on display, the sizes of tables ( 6’x 3’ ? No! It has to be 5’11 ¾ “ X 2’ 10 5/8” ), the A/C frame ( Rose wood please. Fire energy, you see.). Copper pyramids were prescribed to be buried all over the place, 77 in all, (to subdue the water energies). Crystal pyramids were supposed to be installed later, once the office was ready. And last but not the least, No glass anywhere in the 1400 sft office. We fought over this one till he gave in.
“33 % only!” he admonished us.
By now my fiery partner was ready to sacrifice the Wise man to the Gods " On the full moon nights, under the Pyramids”.
In the end, all parties reached an agreement of sorts, peace prevailed, and came another stinker.

“ Before starting the work, apply a 2 inch thick layer of cow dung all over the place. Just see that it’s the dung of a good cow, and not that of a buffalo or ( God Forbid ! ) a bull.” This was to purify the place.

Now, 1400 sft ( doesn’t matter carpet, built up or super built up) place, meant a lot of cow. And I pointed that out.

“ If you can procure me the dung, I will see that it is spread” I said coolly. The cows in front on the temples seemed like a safe bet. Standing there all day long was bound to make them pious, god fearing cows. I had no idea what was considered ‘Goodness‘ in a cow. No hanky panky with a hunky bull ? Was it a done thing to enquire about her virginity? Anyway, a man was appointed by the client to get some ( plenty ! I reminded them. 2 inch thick layer needs plenty !! ) cow dung asap.

We closed down the work and waited for the dung truck to arrive. One week later, after getting his call, we all gathered at the work site. I looked around for the heap of dung. None could be seen. Then the assistant brought half a bucket of liquid slush which definitely smelt like dung.

“ This is NOT enough! We have to give a 2” think layer on 1400 sft! Bring me more!” I ordered haughtily.

Now it was the assistant’s turn to break down. Clearly the man had reached the end of his patience.

“ This is all I could get. Take it or leave it!” after he cooled down he told us his tale of woes. For a week he chased four cows and their attendants. Two of the women demanded 50 bucks in advance and vanished. Third one yelled at him saying- “the cow is constipated! What can I do ? “
“ This is all I could get, please accept and sprinkle it on the site and start the work."
I accepted the compromise, and the work started as planned.

A fortnight later, the Vaastu pandit arrived with further advise. I reported that the dung thing was done, and asked him, with a genuine curiosity- “ Do you really believe this will work ? That the place has been purified, and the business will flourish because of the cow dung?”

He declared profoundly- “ Yes. I believe in it. It always works. It’s a fool proof science of the ancients. It has to work.” Then a little pause, “ Provided the cow has been good, of course.”

He, as always, had the last word.


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